Sometimes
by hellfirehalo188
Summary: The Four Times Kendall Saved James, and the One Time James Saves Kendall. Story for my Modern Tragedy assignment!
1. Sometimes

**AN: Hello readers! Alright, THIS time I'm not blowing off fics, this is for school. And this is due on Tuesday, I was hoping I could get some feed back on what you all think! I cried like a little baby when I was writing this, and RumbleRoar847 was equally heartbroken. **

**Also, this is inspired by SO MANY other fics, this story wouldn't be what it is without those writers/stories. The overall storyline is inspired heavily by a fic over on LJ, called Shut Your Eyes by goten0040 and garnetice. The main theme of "Sometimes" (this style saved by butt on this, it needed to be under 15 pages), which is obviously pretty different from my usual style, is inspired by TheMightyAtticus' story Sometimes (as you can see from the name). I hope I didn't put your "Sometimes" theme to shame! It majorly inspired me to write this today, THANK YOU! The quote from the top is also from the end of Sometimes_,_ with a small addition.**

**Without further ado... Sometimes: The Four Times Kendall Saved James, and the One Time James Saves Kendall **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush or anything else recognizable.**

**EDIT: I added things and changed them, this is my FINAL draft of this, I hope I do well! From the reviews so far, I think I will. Thank you all so much!**

**And, yes, I know that Kendall's little sister's name is Katie, but my name's Katy, so I didn't want my teacher thinking I'm conceited and putting myself in a story. XD**

"_Sometimes you don't realize that what you need most is right in front of your eyes. If you're lucky, you figure it out before you lose it, and you cling to it and cherish it. But sometimes, it slips through your fingers."_

Sometimes, Kendall doesn't mind saving James. Not because he likes being a hero, but because he feels like he couldn't live without James. Kendall felt as if they would grow old together, still bickering about James's freakish narcissistic habits and Kendall's 'everything to everyone' complex.

It's that complex that makes Kendall save James every time, even when he knows that James's problems are getting too extreme, tougher to save him from.

Sometimes, Kendall feels like he should give up. Anyone else would have by now, but he _can't_; Kendall _needs_ him. How could he leave his best friend behind?

Not to mention, there were times when James saved _him._

But sometimes, you need to know when someone is too far gone.

Sometimes, Kendall would lay awake at night, wondering about his dad. Why did he leave? Was he a horrible son? How could he leave his four year old daughter, Kendall's sister? Their mom?

Sometimes, as questions floated around in his brain he became tired. So much had gone on in the past year; he just wanted to forget, sometimes. As a ten year old, Kendall thought he shouldn't have to worry about such things. But Kendall knew he was now the man of the house, and he felt like it was his responsibility to question everything.

But this time, a tune broke Kendall's thoughts. A voice, someone singing. Who would be singing outside at eleven at night during a Minnesota winter?

He shuffled over to his window and opened it, revealing a young boy walking down his street, who looked to be no older than himself, carrying a large backpack and a hockey stick. His clothes were grubby and torn in places, his face smudged with dirt and grime. That boy sang:

"_When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. __And in my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be."_ For a young kid he sang wonderfully, Kendall thought, absolutely awed by the beautiful voice.

"Hey kid!" Kendall called to the boy, who stopped singing and looked up, seemingly startled. "Up here!" The kid only stared. Kendall felt sad for the boy; he looked utterly lost in the world, much like himself. The Minnesota air was not kind tonight, and sometimes, his mother would tell him that good people save other people.

Kendall climbed out of his window, slid down the roof, and down the thing the ivy grows on, finally hitting the pavement and running over to the shivering boy.

Kendall skidded to a stop, "I'm Kendall, Kendall Knight. What's yer name?" Kendall stuck out his hand to shake.

The boy furrowed his eyebrows, "J-James…James Diamond…I'm ten." He tentatively gripped the blonde boy's hand.

"So am I! You should come in…its really cold…I could make you hot chocolate?"

The brunette boy was confused, why was this boy being nice to him? He didn't even know him. "Uh…wouldn't your mom be mad?"

"She'd understand. A good person saves people, an' you look like you need to be saved."

"So…you're a superhero? Superheroes save people…"

Kendall smiled, "Heh, I suppose I am. Come on, let's get that hot chocolate!" As Kendall gripped James's hand and led him inside, he somehow felt that this wasn't the last time he'd save the young James Diamond.

Sometimes, James looked upon that moment as the night he found his Knight in shining armor.

Sometimes, Kendall wonders why James barely eats when he spends the night. As he, James, Camille, and Mrs. Knight sat at the large mahogany table, Kendall couldn't help but notice that James barely took full bites of his food. He sure did push the chicken and mashed potatoes around a lot, but most of it was still sitting upon his plate.

Sometimes, James looked skinnier than he did a few months ago.

"The food was delicious Mama Knight, thank you." James said enthusiastically.

"Well thank you, sweetie, I just wish you'd eat more!" James froze at her words, and Kendall's suspicions were confirmed.

The boys went up to Kendall's room, James spreading out his sleeping bag and pillows. Not that he ended up sleeping there for very long. James was prone to nightmares about his mother's passing.

She had meant the world to him; she made James want to be famous. Larissa Diamond used to tell the brunette stories of her day performing at the opera and on Broadway. She never made it big, but she encouraged James to sing and dance. When she died, James vowed he'd become famous, he vowed to make her proud of him.

Sometimes, when James's nightmares would wake him up in the middle of the night, in a cold sweat and eyes tearing up, he'd crawl in next to Kendall. His Knight kept the demons away.

Tonight, James took one look at the floor, eyebrows furrowing, and climbed in with Kendall.

Moments passed and seemed to turn into hours, but in actuality were only a few minutes, thirty tops. Kendall peaked over the pillow that separated the two, James was still wide awake. "Jamie?"

"Hm?"

"Why aren't you eating?" The brunette opposite Kendall screwed his eyes shut, "James, please. I'm worried about you…"

"Well don't. It's not your problem."

"It is! You're my best friend, you have to stop this. You're so much skinnier than you were months ago, it's not healthy…"

"You don't get it." James sat up in bed, rubbing his face, his minor rosacea making his cheeks flush, "If I want to be famous, I have to be pretty. I have to be perfect; I can't be flawed in any way. And I'm so…_messed up. _I can't be…fat. I—"

"James, you are not fat—"

"I'm chubby."

Kendall snorted, "James, you are perfect, okay? Everyone has flaws, but it's those flaws that make you perfect. You're amazing at hockey and next year when we get into high school, there's gonna be late practices and early work out sessions that the weight will come right off. Sure, you're 'chubby', but come on. You'll need to eat a crap ton of food to have the energy to keep up with all the hot shots."

"But—"

"Nuh-uh. Not another word." Kendall thought for a moment, hand resting on James's shoulder, "Listen, if you want to get in shape, let's start working out together. The high school has open gym and all that during the week. Let's do that, okay?" James was apprehensive, but from the sheepish smile he sported, the brunette seemed to be coming around.

"That's my Jamie." James laughed as Kendall pulled the taller boy into a hug, the brunette letting out a shaky breath.

"Thanks, Kendall."

"No problem." As the boys lay back down, Kendall remembered something else that James said.

"And James?"

"Hm?"

"You are, too, pretty." James burst into laughter, making the blonde's heart warm up.

And sometimes, Kendall really _did_ think James was really pretty.

Sometimes, Kendall thought Curt was a real big ass-butt. Curt being James's boyfriend.

He was snarky, rude, obnoxious, and Kendall just didn't like him. He felt like punching the self-righteous pretentious prick. He wasn't good enough for James.

James, the greatest hockey player to ever come into their high school, captain of the varsity hockey team (being a freshman, that was unheard of), and his position was already getting the attention of colleges across the state. Not to mention, his acting and singing always got him the lead in school and community plays and musicals, earning even more college attention. James was on the road to absolute success, if only he would drop the self-destructive tendencies…

Curt didn't give a shit about any of it. The only reason he dated James was because he was the most gorgeous guy in school.

Kendall was right that night, the weight came off and James became beautiful, like he was on the inside. He was all broad shoulders and muscles, with the best abs in the Midwest. Kendall was proud of him.

And that was the only reason Curt dated him. James made him look good.

Kendall had never felt as violent towards anyone as he did towards Curt. (Partly because of the bruises that appeared on James, some that couldn't be explained by a rough day at hockey practice.) It morphed into absolute hatred one night. The night James stumbled into Kendall's house with a black eye, busted up lip, and multiple bruises (presumably from kicks) all along his abdomen. At that moment, Kendall wanted to _murder_ Curt.

"James, oh god, James, please, we need to go to the hospital, we need—I'll call Logan, Logan will know what to do, I'll have Carlos pick him up and—" He had to give James credit, any other person would be broken down and crying, James wasn't.

"NO! I'll be fine, please. I'm okay, I…I left before he—" Before he could finish the sentence, James broke down in Kendall's arms. Physical wounds forgotten, mental wounds overtook the pretty brunette boy.

"James…I swear, Curt will never hurt you again."

Sometimes, Kendall wished James could stay in his arms forever; that way, he would be protected from everything in the world.

Sometimes, Kendall lies awake at night, just watching James sleep. Since they had left Minnesota and come to LA to be a boy band, life had been overall better. Curt wasn't here, James could forget about everything bad in his life. He could finally be a carefree sixteen year old. He had Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and Kendall's mom and sister; it's all he would ever need.

But one time, Kendall didn't find James in his bed late, late at night. At first, he didn't worry. Could just be going to the bathroom right? Well, when he didn't come back for a long time, it was starting to bother him. If James had a nightmare, he'd be over here. And Kendall knew James.

Kendall immediately shot up, deciding to check their bathroom first.

Kendall wanted to scream and cry at what he found.

James sat in the bathtub, a small razor pressed against his wrist, a bead of blood sat next to the blade. He hadn't cut down yet, he was only testing.

"James!" Kendall lunged for his friend, knocking the blade-wielding hand out of the way, the razor dropping to the floor. Kendall took hold of the beautiful brunette's wrists, a vice grip that made the blonde's knuckles turn white. What the _hell_ was James doing?

His hazel eyes were wide as he stared up at Kendall, the mostly emerald orbs shining brightly with tears, a few finally sliding down his flushed cheeks. "K-Kendall, I-I don't want…I c-cant…"

Kendall's heart broke at his raspy voice, a sob leaving the blonde. "_James!_" Kendall pulled James to him, holding him tightly, feeling as if James would evaporate if he loosened his embrace. Kendall buried his face into James's neck, soft brown hair tickled the blonde's forehead, tears trickled down his face and onto the pretty boy's neck, letting out all the tears he wish he could have over the years. He loved James, and sometimes he worried about how _much_ he loved James. He never wanted to let him go, never wanted James to step out of his arms, out of his sight. James was everything to Kendall, and the blonde wondered when that had exactly happened.

He then realized: James had no self respect. James couldn't accept himself for who he was. He never would. James's life would be filled with self-doubt and self-hatred, taking in his deepest flaws and discounting his strengths. Kendall understood then, that James was quickly turning into a lost cause.

Sometimes, Kendall felt like he should give up.

But most of the time, Kendall vowed that he would always be James's Knight in shining armor.

Sometimes, Kendall wondered what goes through James's brain.

"What is this?" Kelly, their producer's assistant and self-proclaimed mother-bear type, asked James. She held up two plastic bags, one held a white powder, while the other held some kind of ground up plant. Kendall's heart broke at the sight.

Drugs. James had turned to drugs. Sometimes, Kendall had known it would lead to this.

"James if you continue on this path this band won't go anywhere. Nothing in your life will go anywhere. Colleges won't even take you; you definitely won't get a scholarship. Drugs ruin lives, James. You're not the exception. The record company will drop the band and you will all be sent back to Minnesota." James didn't bother denying any of it. Everyone tried reasoning with him, but none of it took hold. It all went in one ear, out the other.

As the four boys sat at the hotel's pool, Kendall couldn't help but stare at James. How the sun gave his dark hair golden highlights, how his hazel eyes shone brightly. Kendall had the oddest feeling in the pit of his stomach and James gave him _this smile._ He couldn't explain it, but he should have known.

The next day, James was gone.

Sometimes, most of the time, Kendall wondered if he could have prevented it by saying three simple words.

Sometimes, Kendall slept in James's bed, hugging James's pillow. Whispering those words over and over again as his heart burned. As his throat burned. Until his whole body was exhausted with dreaming and hoping. Dreaming of what could have been.

And sometimes…Kendall wishes that he could have said those three words six years ago, the day he saw a pudgy little runaway at eleven o'clock at night with a hockey stick, singing "Let It Be".

Sometimes, as the years went by, Kendall wondered how James was doing.

Hell, it was all the time.

Kendall was lost in LA, again. He finally came back to pursue an acting career after he spent a few years in New York. Logan had become a doctor, and Carlos was in New York for his musical.

But, Kendall couldn't help but feel somewhat lost. Los Angeles was a constant reminder of James, and while he knew that New York was still an option, LA was the better bet. James…couldn't be a factor anymore.

He had to be in the bad part of LA, because…_damn._ Dirty place. He needed directions.

As he entered this shabby bar, he couldn't help but be disgusted. Grimy and dirty, he didn't trust anything in this place. Drinks, food, people, nope.

He asked the bartender how to get to the Paramount Studios area, since he couldn't quite remember street names yet, when he heard a voice. The voice sang:

"_Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. Suddenly I'm not half the man I used to be, there's a shadow hanging over me. Oh, yesterday came suddenly."_

Kendall choked up, his heart burned again and his throat constricted. The same voice he knew from all those years ago. He had found James.

The blonde twisted towards the stage, and his breath abandoned him. This…was only the shell of the once beautiful James Diamond.

The tall boy sat under a blue spotlight on a stool, clutching the microphone stand. James had once held a microphone confidently, but now, it looked as if it was the only thing holding him up. Bony, grubby fingers encircled the device, trembling. His shoulders sat low, his usual immaculate hair a mess, as grimy as the bar. His clothes hung off his body as if he were a skeleton.

James lifted his face; showing sunken and bleary eyes, dull and defeated, his face gaunt and teeth yellowed, rough stubble across his jaw. Kendall's eyes pricked with tears. _James._ Kendall gripped the bar counter for dear life until his knuckles turned white, feeling as if he'd collapse. James, the one he had loved, shut out from his mind, was now _this._

Finally, the performance ended. James must have seen his lifelong friend, for he sped off toward the exit.

"James! James, please!" Kendall fought through the crowd, reaching the druggie. The skeleton of a man finally turned to the blonde, looking sullen. "James…" Kendall couldn't help it; he hugged the man before him. The scent of cigarette smoke and gutter permeated the air around him, it stung Kendall's eyes.

"Kendall…you shouldn't be here…you need to leave." James voice had become rough and raspy, compared to his once velvet voice.

"Jamie, I can't!" Kendall was still clutching onto him, "I've missed you, it's been years and…James?"

"Kendall," James pulled away, "I'm not the boy you remember."

The brunette just looked dead, his spirit broken. Everything about him was broken.

Kendall was feeling lost and found all at once, relieved and terrified, any other oxymoron that could be formed. "No! James, I'm gonna save you just like I used to, I'm your superhero remember?" Kendall trembled, afraid, "C'mon, we will get you cleaned up, you'll get straightened up, and we can act together! There's an audition for this show in a few months—"

"Kendall." James's rough, scary voice broke Kendall's fantasy. "No. I—don't want to get cleaned up."

Kendall was god smacked. "W-What?"

"I don't want to be fixed; I don't want to be saved. I want you to leave."

Tears pricked harder at Kendall's eyes as he let go of the man, "J-James…"

"You have to leave!" James shouted, exiting the bar. Kendall followed.

The LA night hair was oddly crisp, cooling James's jacketless body, the clammy sweat that his skin seemed to permanently harbor.

"James, please!"

"Kendall, NO!" James reeled on Kendall, shouting so loud his voice broke, "I'm done with you, with the guys, with everything! I'm just done!"

"But James!" Kendall was actually…_crying._ Kendall Knight _never_ cried. "I—I love—"

"SHUT UP! No you don't, you don't." James shoved Kendall away, but the blonde came right on back, clutching onto James and holding tight. Just as he did all those years ago. Just like he hadn't in recent years. "Y-you d-don't…"

"I do, Jamie," he sobbed into the druggie's shoulder, Kendall didn't care that he was dirty and he smelled, it was _James, _and that's all that mattered.

Sometimes, James thought Kendall hated him. He honestly thought the blonde would by now.

It was nice to know he didn't.

Sometimes, Kendall had dreamed of holding James's hand while walking on the beach. He was happy it was now a reality.

It was during that time that he saw how unhealthy James was. His chest and arms were all bones, his whole body was. James was so strung out and defeated. The moonlight softened James's sharp features, the smell of the sea took away some of the stench stuck on his skin. Kendall knew James didn't have many years on him, and that's if he got help _now_. James was Kendall's whole world again; he needed James to be in his life for as long as he could. He'd do anything; spend all the money in the world, endure the extreme emotional chaos, he didn't care.

Kendall tugged on James' hand, stopping the frail man. Then, as he looked into James's eyes, the famous James Diamond spark returned. The hazel brightened, emerald showing through beyond the clouded haze. Even if it was just for _that moment_, he was James Diamond again, the little boy he met sixteen years ago. Kendall would fix him again; he'd save James, just like he had been made for.

"James? I love you…" James gave a smile and pulled the blonde man to him; the pretty boy's once tight grip was weak.

"God, Kendall…I love you too…I want you to know, I have, since that night we met. That first night you saved me…woulda froze without ya. You'll always be here with me, you know that? You have been…will be…" The waves crashed behind the two, sweet sounds adding ambiance to the moment. The stars sparkled like diamonds, but none were brighter than Kendall's diamond. The sand felt like spongy carpet, the kind in James's grandmother's house. The moon created deep shadows, while its light also seemed to fashioned promise. All were in their favor tonight. Making the night entirely beautiful.

"Jeez, James…acting like this is the last time I'll see you… You'll get help right? Come home with me, we will go in the morning."

James rested his hands on Kendall's neck, thumbs petting the blonde's cheeks, "I need to go home tonight; there are a few things I need before I leave for something better." He grinned at Kendall, and Kendall faltered. He knew that grin. The same one at the pool all those years prior. "I need to get going, Kendall." James sighed, resting his head upon Kendall's, taking in the moment. He kissed Kendall again, and after so many kisses that night, all each drenched in love, this was love in its densest, concentrated form. Love that Kendall had only seen in movies. Right now, Kendall felt like Rose during the last sunset of the Titanic, when Jack taught her how to fly. But, more so, he felt like Rose as she lay upon the carved door, right before Jack froze within the iceberg infested water.

"I will see you soon, dear, my love. _God_ I love you, Kendall…" James hugged Kendall once more, and the blonde was speechless, it felt as if his body was going to implode and explode all at once. His heartstrings ripped apart at the seams. He couldn't do a thing.

"Goodbye, James." Kendall whispered as James pulled away, touching until his fingers ghosted along the other's, finally detached. Kendall felt lost.

"Goodbye, Kendall." James walked off along the sand, toward nowhere in particular. As more shadows were cast along the beach, Kendall's hope was being eclipsed by the darkness. James had no home; he wasn't leaving to gather things. "I love you." Kendall called, voice cracking at the end.

James turned back and smiled.

Sometimes, Kendall wished he could save James from everything. Sometimes, it felt like he could. But tonight, _tonight,_ Kendall knew that he couldn't save James from himself.

"I love you, James David Diamond, with all of my heart." Kendall watched James until he disappeared behind a large rock formation, footprints being steadily erased by the surf.

"I'll tell everyone you say hello."

Sometimes, James wished he never left all those years ago. He wished he had respect for himself, he wished he knew all the things he does now way back then. Maybe then, he and Kendall would be together, living off of the money they made from the band, have a house on the beach in Malibu.

But it was never to be. James knew that, had always somewhat known that. He was too damaged, thanks to himself. It wasn't his mother's fault; it wasn't because of her death. It was because he chose to deal with it in stupid ways. Everything he did was stupid. While he was sitting around feeling sorry for himself, he could have been happy with Kendall, Logan, and Carlos.

His life was his fault, not telling Kendall was his fault. James wasn't useless back then, but he's useless now.

He didn't want to drag Kendall into the deep problems that came with getting off drugs. Heroin was a horrible drug; it took over lives and ruined them. And heroin was the _least_ of his problems. Kelly was right. They all were.

It would ruin Kendall if he tried to help James, and James knew that. Kendall would take all of the problems that came with rehabbing a druggie, but Kendall needed to _live_. Kendall needed to have a beautiful life on his own. He shouldn't spend his time taking care of someone who should have taken care of themselves. James's life was done and over with. His body was shutting down at the young age of twenty-six.

Sometimes, he had dreamed of Kendall saying "I love you". And now, James can die happily, knowing that Kendall loves him. Kendall Knight _loves him._ He grinned at the thought. Someone loves him, and that person the most important man that has ever existed in his life. _Kendall Knight_ loves _him_, James Diamond, the way James has always wished for.

As he sat in a rocky cave, a cave that looked over the water and sand, he finished his note, signing it as eloquently as he could with trembling fingers. He left the cave, making sure Kendall had left. He did, and James traveled back along the spongy sand he committed to memory.

Then, as he shot up on the beach, using _well above_ the prescribed limit, on the spot Kendall said "I love you" for the last time, the usual pain in his body ebbed away. Replaced by Kendall's perfect love.

"I'll see you soon, Kendall," he then chuckled, "but not too soon."

He sighed, lying back on the sand, closing his eyes as the drugs took effect, passing out peacefully.

Kendall's voice led him up, up, and up. Higher than he'd ever been before.

And, for once, it wasn't because of drugs.

_Dear Kendall Knight,_

_Sometimes, I wish you could save me from everything. Even myself. But I don't blame you, neither should you. Sometimes, I wish I never ran away. I wish I stayed with you. Sometimes, I never believed I could ever love you more. Last night proved me wrong._

_Since we met, you never stopped being my superhero, my Knight._

_I love you, Kendall. We will be together again, I swear. I know it. _

_Because the superhero always, never sometimes, gets the girl ;)_

_With the greatest love in the world,_

_XOXO, JD_


	2. Author's Note, Update on Grade!

**AN: GOOD NEWS! Remember how I said this was for my English project? Well. **

**I got: 100%! NOT EVEN KIDDING. I was like "WHAAA?"**

**I am so freaking happy, and I wanted to thank everyone for their amazing reviews and kind words on this story! This is my baby, and I feel like this is the best thing I have written so far in my short writing career and just THANK YOU! You're reviews and favorites made me feel like I got an 'A' way before I even turned it in! So, again, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! Yeah, so I wanted to share that :D**

**THANK YOU, EVERYONE!**

**(p.s. If some of you read the story before the 25th, then you might want to reread the story, because I edited and made it better with more detail, and the ending is more descriptive and more in-depth-ish. So, yeah... :D)**


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